i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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