I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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