all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
