I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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