It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
