I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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