Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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