I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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