i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
