This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
