The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
