I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
