A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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