They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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