the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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