She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
