My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
