She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
