exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
