hell yes lets make some ravioli
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
