i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
