i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I need to sanitize my soul.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
