the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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