you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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