Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
