I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
