I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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