You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.