i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell