Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.