I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
