i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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