wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
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I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
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Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
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