So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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