I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize