Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
