I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
