i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
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Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
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Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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