I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
