I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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