not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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