I like my sex mixed with concussions.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
