I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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