Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
