I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
