Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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