Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
