I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
