the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
