Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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