She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
