I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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