I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
