i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
