Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
