Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
