Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
